I was genuinely astonished this week to discover you can still become ill with things that aren’t COVID19.
I had three days away with my Ma to the Isle of Wight to visit friends (it was a wonderful time). As such, I breathed some new air and caught an absolutely stinking cold. It was not asked for, it was not wanted, and I am not happy about stinky cold.
Anyway, I’m giving this cold 0 out of 5 stars. There have been no enjoyable bits at all. In fact, for my first illness since 2019(?), it went too hard too quickly. When this particular virus goes for its yearly review, it’s manager is going to be a bit cross.
“You gave her a blocked nose AND a runny nose? At the same TIME?”
“I got over-excited and pressed both.”
“But at least you didn’t….oh you did. A sore throat as well. Oh you really thought you were into a winner here, didn’t you? I bet you…yep. Chills and shakes. Honestly. What part of ‘give her a light head cold’ did you misunderstand?”
“I felt under a lot of pressure!”
“Did you at least turn off the dizziness and disorientation?”
“I did during the day?”
“The day? So she was dizzy and disoriented at night?”
“Yeah, she’d wake up and not know where she was. LOL.”
“Not LOL! Very much not LOL!!”
“No, it was quite funny when she walked into a wall.”
“Tell me you kept the aches and pains to a minimum.”
“Yeah, well, I ran into Fibromyalgia by the headache deployment chute, and he seemed to have that all covered, so I just stuck to filling her sinuses with tiny pebbles.”
“We were trying to reintroduce her to having a cold. You were deployed specifically for your supposedly gentle touch! I can’t believe you tried to give her a temperature!”
“Yeah, I got overexcited. She just hadn’t been ill for so long, and everything was so clean, and there was so much possibility…”
“Do you know what will happen now? That mask? It’s never coming off. You thought disinfectant was deployed enthusiastically beforehand? You ain’t seen nothing yet. You’ve just condemned hundreds, no, thousands of your colleagues to a Dettol death. I heard her this morning bulk-buying hand sanitiser. We have LOST HER to infection control practices now. You…you…idiot!”
“Boss, I really am sorry. It was just too easy.”
“Get out. And leave the poor woman alone now.”
“Leave her alone? Completely alone?”
“Yes. Leave her alone to recover.”
“…so I should call off the chesty cough?”
Like I said, the virus is getting a very poor yearly review – especially as I had to do multiple LFT tests and PCR tests to make sure it wasn’t COVID. Big. Thumbs. Down.